Some weeks, like this week, I feel like I’ve fallen out of orbit, or I’ve been flung from the centrifuge out into chaos. I feel as though I have lost my centre, I have no axis – I’ve gone completely out of my mind. Actually, that’s the exact opposite of what happens. It’s not that i am out of my mind, it’s that i can’t get out of it.
Oh my mind, my mind, my poor crazy mind. Without its orbit, something to focus its attention on, it wants to go in all different directions at once. It loves the past and all its glorified suffering and regrets. It likes to point out where in time the fork appeared in the road and what the weather was doing the day I took the wrong path. It likes to imagine the future, but only if there are several versions at once, and only if they fundamentally contradict one another; and when I protest that I cannot be all things in one life, my mind is quick to reassure me that I’m not capable of achieving any of them anyway.
Oh my mind, it is not a very nice friend sometimes.
When it gets like this, when it takes over on it’s little chaos party, it’s my present that suffers. The present becomes invisible, uninhabited, put on pause while all that I am is living inside my head in the future and the past. My present me becomes a shell of a thing, fumbling through the motions, relinquishing control to the battle within. Gradually, the present starts to be the thing that doesn’t exist as my imaginings render themselves concrete in the interior of my mind. My mind starts buying up all the prime real estate in my brain and furnishing it with all my doubts, desires, afflictions and limitations. It gets so busy doing this that it begins to convince the rest of me that we don’t have time to do anything else. No time to focus on work, no time to dedicate to the blog, no time to write music. There is only time to dwell, now step to it.
Oh my mind, my mind, addicted to all that never was.
It is such a struggle to stay in the present moment. To bring the focus and awareness on what is happening in the here and now. But it is a struggle worth persevering through as the present moment has a profound ability to heal. Being focused on what is in front of you, to be in that state of flow with what you’re doing right now is your ticket, my ticket, to freedom. When I manage it, I can feel all of everything that makes me feel bad, start to reconcile and expel itself as a breath from somewhere deep in my chest. It’s euphoric. I can feel the chains release as I regain what is rightly mine. My life.
My mind does not win forever, but it has won this week. I am regaining the strength to bring all our faculties back to now. We want to stay here, we’re moving back in.